Hot Tips For Sex After Birth

There is no right or wrong way to return to intercourse after giving birth. It is a personal decision and the only person who knows when you are ready is you. Often you will get the tick of approval at the 6-week check, a chat about contraception and you are on your way. Some women will be happy to hear this news and be ready to give it a go. Others will be thinking “Hey Doc, do you even realise I just had a baby; my boobs are leaking, and I am more tired than I’ve even been in my life? I haven’t even taken a shower but now I can have sex. What?”

What your doctor is telling you is that physically, it is safe to return to intercourse. Your wound has healed, your pelvic floor muscles are recovering well and the bleeding after birth has stopped, so a return to intercourse is (physically) safe. What we are not told is that physically fine is not related to mentally and emotionally fine. And to have successful, enjoyable intercourse, every aspect of your being needs to be ready. Your body and your mind.

So, let’s take a quick trip back to Year 9 Sex Ed. First you have to have some level of sexual desire. That is, the will and drive to engage in intimate behaviours which can then lead to arousal. Now arousal is vital to successful and enjoyable intercourse. As your state of arousal increases, your vulva and vagina have an increase in blood flow and dilation. This helps to produce moisture and soften the walls of the vagina and muscles making intercourse possible.

Stepping back a moment, a state of arousal is achieved by BOTH physical readiness and psychological readiness. Your emotional and mental state need to align with your physical state to achieve that level of arousal.

Now, it’s pretty obvious why you may not be feeling ready, you know, you just gave birth and now you have a newborn attached to you! But some of the other reasons that may be holding you back can be anxiety or fear, which are especially common after a traumatic birth experience or previous trauma. It is totally normal to need help processing your birth and I really encourage all women to do this. The Australasian Birth Trauma Association offer a lot of support in this area or otherwise get in touch with your health professional to point you in the right direction.

Guilt is an emotion that can sometimes arise for women around this subject too. Feeling guilty for not wanting to engage in intercourse or intimacy. Or sometimes grief for the loss of physical connection within your relationship. These are normal feelings and the best thing you can do is speak openly with your partner. Let them know whats going on for you and that you need more time. Remember, they are not mind readers.

So all things considered, is can be a slow road back to the sack.

HOT TIPS! 

Use a good lubricant:

- Vaginal dryness is extremely common after birth. After giving birth you have a significant drop in oestrogen (hormone) which affects the elasticity and moistness of the vaginal walls and can lead to dryness. A silicon based lubricant or natural lube is the best and less likely to irritate your skin. A few brands I recommend are:

·      Organic olive oil or coconut oil. (Don’t use these if you are using condoms for contraception as they can damage the latex)

·      Olive and Bee – this is an all-natural lube and a great one to start with.

·      Uber Lube

·      Pjur

Get to know your own body again:

-       There are a lot of changes that happen through pregnancy and of course after birth as well. Your vulva might look or feel a little different to how it did before pregnancy and that is totally normal. When you feel ready, explore your own vulva. Use a mirror to look at your vulva or light touch in the bath/shower to get a better understanding of your own anatomy. This may or may not lead to self-pleasure, but if it does it can be a nice way to engage in intimacy while still feeling in control of your body.

Try different positions:

-       Often the first few times will be a bit nerve wracking and can bring with it feelings of nervousness or fear. This is normal. You just gave birth. However, these feelings can often lead to the pelvic floor muscles being contracted or even overactive. This can make it very difficult to achieve penetration and will often lead to discomfort or pain. Positions that make it easier to relax your pelvic floor muscles can help. Many women prefer to be on top to feel more control. If so, go for it. Side lying can also be a good option to begin with and some women find one side to be more comfortable then the other. This is especially the case if they have had a perineal tear or episiotomy. There is no right or wrong position so do what feels best.

Take your time:

-       The first time might be a bit of a flop ;) Don’t be put off. Be honest and open, laugh it off and try again when you feel ready. Some mild discomfort at the beginning while you build up your confidence is common, but pain is not normal. Start with less intimate acts like a hug, kiss or a hand shake if that is where you are at. Get comfortable with that level of intimacy and then progress further when you feel ready.

Don’t put up with pain:

-       If it is painful. STOP. Painful intercourse after childbirth should not be dismissed as normal. Like I mentioned, some mild discomfort, sensitivity or tenderness can be normal, but pain is not. This is when you need to reach out to your Doctor or Pelvic Health Physiotherapist and get more specific advice.

Lastly, remember everyone is different. Do not compare yourself to others.

Some women are more than ready to get going at 6 weeks. Good for you. That is normal.

But if you are further down the track in your postpartum journey and only just starting to think about it again, you are normal too!